There is too much to do. I keep thinking about the wrong things. My hair is going to be white by the time I graduate. Wouldn’t be a bad look. I think.
I have resumes and letters to write, companies to grovel to, and pretend to be confident.
I don’t know what I want to do. I only pretend. I’m waiting for the mask I wear to become my identity. It’s hard. I feel there are a million voices screaming go this way and go that way. When I finally need to make a decision, there is silence and I am left by myself.
How can I be expected to know myself. I found out I can be really intimidating when I meet people, I get scared and forget to smile. I’m can be really nice. Maybe that makes me manipulative.
To some, I’m that sweet, loveable, christian girl with her head in the clouds. When they see my mean side, they are surprised. If I had shown my mean side to begin with, maybe they wouldn’t have liked me so much.
Some mistake my numbness for uncertainty or as someone who’s a push-over. I’m mostly not. Occasionally my mind doesn’t know what to do with itself. Do I sound crazy? I’m sure I’m really normal. Just like everyone else.
I’m gonna go out on a limb. I’ve gone out on plenty already this year. Why not another? 🙂