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I’m terrified to think that I am like my mother.

Over the years, she has enforced the continuous statements that she doesn’t want me like her (and also because I know what she’s like).

She has a hard time with relationships and I know that she’s bi-polar, which doesn’t make her relationship situations any easier. She’s been married multiple times. I am of the belief that my father was the best thing that ever happened to her, but she always accused him of being emotionless when she needed help.

Unfortunately the way my Dad is, he has a tendency to come off as uncaring when he’s exhausted and definitely suffers from “deer in headlights” when it comes to some problems.

You can see where she would get that, but he really loved her. She had a very bad episode that was the gash of the divorce. She has always felt like she’s not good enough, that she isn’t worth anything, and feels that she hasn’t done enough of God’s work. She tries way too hard.

She gives people who don’t deserve chances, many chances and then gets stabbed in the back. That monster of a man who pulled my mother from my father, promised that if she came with him, she could do many things for the lord.

He lied. He was abusive. To make things worse, he masqueraded as a Christian, as a preacher. He was not a good man, but a great liar. Of course, after he died (from a multitude of problems). His family, which “loved” my mom, abandoned her and stole many of her things and left her to pay off his funeral, even though they promised they’d help.

I did meet those people. They stole my cd’s and babysitting money. When I brought it up (the only one I told about the money/cd’s was the girl of 23) the money/wallet mysteriously popped back up. but not the cd’s. Her mother said that I was lying and didn’t believe me. I didn’t trust them after that.  I was about 14.

Anyways, my mother always says that she’s glad that we had a better childhood than she did. I have always wanted to break the illusion that she’s created, but she would only blame herself for our trials.

I’m terrified I’ll be just like her. While I am not bi-polar, I used to go through phases of angry, depressed, and happy. This was also when I was a teen, which accounts for most of it, the divorce on the other. I refused to believe that I was affected by it, so it came out in my emotions. I am ashamed, but during this time, I hurt many people.

I am scared of hurting people now. Quite frankly, I have quite the mouth. I say things that I wouldn’t consider an insult, but in way it is. Like apologizing for thinking a dog is ugly. You shouldn’t do that.

I tend to keep people at a distance because of that fear and I hurt people trying not to hurt them. It’s ironic that I have no trouble insulting people but when it comes to trying to protecting them, I ultimately hurt them.

I try to break the lies, make my feelings come to life and not hide them in the cages of my mind. I desperately want you to understand but I can’t break this habit. I continue to hide, but continue to fight. Hoping one day I’ll finally be free.