I have the audacity to ask myself “Why am I doing this?” and I quite frequently don’t like the answer. Asking myself “why” is terrible for my self-esteem.
Why am I doing this job? Why is it really so important? WHY did I choose this and do I really even like it?! Why am I making my own Halloween costume? What am I trying to prove? Why do I like making little things? Is it because I like it when I get complimented?
Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I just like doing something for no reason? Why can’t I seem to fall in love with my job?
I console myself by saying, everyone who gets a job like mine feels this way after a year. It’s natural, especially when you go from changing what you are doing every six months to having a stable job and essentially doing the same thing in rotation.
But I feel down, and it’s too late. Answering “why” with “it’s a paycheck”only makes me feel worse. I hurt. I want to cry, but I don’t know WHY. I am normal. Anyone with an “adult job” would feel the same.
I feel like I have learned everything and that I’m falling behind. WHY haven’t I learned everything? Asking that one makes me feel silly and laugh. Rome was not built in a day and I am not Tony Stark.
I am normal. Why can’t I take pride in that?
Why am I ashamed when I don’t know the answer? Why can’t I just ask? Is my ego so hurt that I don’t?
Why do I have to be perfect or a failure? Why can’t just be average?
I get called a know-it-all and a perfectionist. I’m not perfect but I try so hard to be perfect. I’m take things too seriously, I guess.
I feel better today though. I feel like I broke through my “why”. It’s okay if it isn’t a clear answer, because this is me, this is what I’m doing to keep being me. I don’t want to lose myself again.
“Why” isn’t so important. I shouldn’t give it so much power, but I know, I’ll be back here again. Getting lost in the routine of my life.