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As much as I pretend to not like hugs, being alone has taught me one thing: If I ever get married, it’s going to be so that I can get as many re-charge hugs as I want.

I probably sound crazy. The girl who doesn’t think she’ll get married is going to do so, simply for hugs. But, I think it’s actually pretty reasonable. It’s human nature to want someone to be beside you that is only yours (as much as I try to deny it/scared of it). It’s human nature to not want to be alone.

Every time I visit my home, my father’s house, I get a big hug from my Dad. It’s warm and safe and I feel loved. When I leave, I get another. I’m my daddy’s little girl, I need my daddy’s hugs.

But, the realization that I’ve had is, my Dad isn’t going to be there forever. I don’t want to ponder it too closely or I may have a panic attack, because life is scary and I may not want to let go the next time I hug him.

My hugs are precious. I feel truly hurt when I get turned away from them. My sister isn’t a cuddle bug. She shows her love in different ways, and often brushes me off, which has made me angry from time to time. but I’ve learned (sort of).

My youngest brother, heaven help him, is a cuddle bug and I often snub him, I think it’s mostly because I’m scared of him growing up. He’s not my cute tiny brother anymore. Of course, he gets in these fits were he wants a hug every 5 seconds so it can be off-putting.

My younger brother, he likes hugs. And I like playing with his hair. I’m a sucker for hair. I like to play with it, though the only people I don’t ask for permission are my family members. He’s a real charmer. Unintentionally plays the part of dark and mysterious and moody, but underneath it all, he’s sweet. He isn’t emotionless, but he’s good at fooling people.

My sister was playing an intense game (Resident Evil, I believe) and I put as many braids in it as I could. If she hadn’t been playing, I wouldn’t have been able to do so, she isn’t a cuddle bug.  Of course, if she didn’t like it at all, she would have gotten rid of me (her bite is far worse than her bark). Her reaction was really funny, she looked at herself in the mirror and laughed about it, not bothering to take it out.

I’ve never been cuddly with my oldest and older brother, at least, not for a very long time, like over-half my life, kind of long. I don’t remember the last time my older brother and I even had a conversation. We haven’t gotten along since the divorce. I don’t know if we ever will.

I try to hug my mother as much as possible. I’m scared if I don’t, I won’t be able to hold on to her. She is like the wind. A free and floating spirit who cannot be tamed.

It’s a desire, a fear. Would I find love to have someone to make me feel safe and loved? I am terrified, because the answer is probably “yes.”