Sometimes my mother says things that just make me depressed about me.
“I wish I had been as good at relationships as you are” I’m terrible. I can’t picture myself being with another person, mostly because of me watching her. Her life as my future terrifies me.
“You are very kind and good hearted” maybe, but I’m also mean and not as sweet as she thinks, even though I can be. Which is the mask I wear?
And other things that aren’t me. I can’t help but wonder if she cares about the truth. She assumes I was good in school and not bullied. I was bullied quite a bit and am terrible with people because of it. She wanted her children to be better than her.
I’m a recluse. I never go out and do anything, mostly because I feel bad about leaving her alone. Even so, I’m still typically a lone wolf. I hate having to make new friends and talking to people I don’t know.
I feel like she’s now scared of what she sees and refuses to acknowledge me.
I can’t talk to her. Sometimes I even bully her, unintentionally. Subconsciously I hate what she’s doing and rebel against it.
Am I in my right mind? She was mostly out of my life for years. She tried but it’s not the same with a distance.
Sometimes I feel my sanity slipping. Is this really who I wanted to be? Am I stuck again? I try so hard to pretend to be something I’m not. Or is it who I really am? I don’t know anymore.
Getting some distance between me and my mother would probably be best. I love her, but sometimes she’s too much and it’s too painful.
She has a bad habit of sending me the most depressing texts and acting like she didn’t. I can’t do it. I mostly ignore them now. Responding only serves to let her see me in a different light, one that is still not me.