Well, actually it was yesterday, but it feels like today.
There were warnings I’m not going to lie, and I won’t say I didn’t notice them, or at least felt their presence.
When I first got my job, I was so excited and so ready to learn. I took plenty of notes and tried to learn as much on my own as I could. I became a backup for another position and I wish I hadn’t. I barely knew my job. This was in the first 6 months.
When I came in, they just changed over the program they were using and the grade table was changing. Which meant there was next to no time to train the new girl. I got left behind. I tried asking questions and learning as much as I could on my own, but somewhere along the lines, it broke me.
I grasped as much as I could but it wasn’t enough and I knew it. I got scared. I felt like I couldn’t ask certain questions without feeling like a failure and soon, it was almost two years and I still felt like I was there six months.
I suppose I knew it was only a matter of time, bracing myself. I guess I started to not care. I was being late and doing things I shouldn’t and I couldn’t figure out why. I wanted to stop the snowball but it was too big and without knowing which problem it was, I was out of luck.
I was so focused on being their perfect new girl that it became overwhelming and I couldn’t do it.
I felt like wasted potential. The company was wasting me and I didn’t know what to do. I tried to ask for help, but it so clearly showed how improperly trained I was. I was so ashamed.
But now I feel relived. I’m upset for feeling so, but I’m relieved. I did try to improve myself again but it was too late. I was finally starting to come in early and feel like I was getting somewhere but it was too late. I wanted to be there a while but my house was built of sand and not stone. The storm coming was going to get me.
I should have known the moment I stopped talking to people and started feeling depressed. At first I didn’t know why and I couldn’t tell anyone. I was supposed to be strong, at least in the eyes of those around me. I was the first college graduate in my family, I wanted to be.
It was so toxic to me, the new girl who just graduated. I felt like it was taking over my life and I couldn’t think of anything else without loosing control.
I feel I didn’t get a real warning or maybe I just didn’t weigh the gravity of the situation or I was too afraid to.
It still doesn’t feel real but my box of things sits there by my bed and I’m left wondering “what now?”.
I know more than I did, so I can channel that to find something new. I hope.